easy does it

I have to come to realise that I can be quite a resentful person. Small things would piss me off and I’m too cowardly to even say it. Though I find it easy to forgive because I wasn’t forgiven for my mistakes when I needed them the most.

A drunk stranger told me I’m too smart for my own good. That one day I’ll be face-to-face with a barrel with my finger on the trigger. One cannot linger. Embarrassed at 24, I am unable to let go of resentment. I am walking on the path of a spiral, moving with time, yet that doesn’t negate the fact that my feet have arrived in the same spot from the past. I feel like I’ve hit a wall that I can’t even see.

When you play games do you seek out boundaries of the world? Prodding at invisible walls wishing there was something more? For you, who tries to pay attention to things that avoid it by design? I do, to desperately seek out a reward, a sick salvation. The problem is, I can’t seem to find anything yet. In the end, a spiral path is still a well-taken one.

Many are familiar with resentment as it turns into spite. I am unfortunate enough that spite can never fuel me, no matter how hard I try to make it work. Envious, to see others being able to burn a bright flame from oil doused onto them. A flicker in the dark is always attractive. I turn to gratefulness as a motivating factor, but on the other side of the coin, what then also makes me move is guilt. Truly, what guilt wields is self-destruction to a soul!

I can no longer deliver a fatal bite for I have ground my canines down to flat nubs. But I am good at chewing, and chewing, and chewing, until anything rough turns to wet muck, transformed into pieces that I swallow. Yes, what the mouth does is transform the state of everything that passes through it. Does anyone stop to think how it would feel to chew yourself down? Does anyone stop to think about something else?

Most of my life, I was praised for being easy. An easy baby to care for, an easy student in class, an easy daughter, an easy chat, an easy partner (at times). I wish it was easy for me to not be.

Bah, but this is all so boring and annoying coming from someone who’s well-fed & sheltered. It’s disgusting, really. No one likes to save the self-pitied.