Instagram has been making me feel sick recently. I have a 15-minute screen limit and I keep hitting “15 more minutes” again and again. Scrolling through my feed, I get nauseous. It sits in the pits of my stomach and I want to vomit. I’m desperately seeking for something that the platform can’t provide.
Growing up, I would get home from school and open Facebook to 99+ notifications. None of them bots or notifications of things I don’t care about. Almost all of them were from online community interactions – comments, chats; caring, clumsy. The occasional poke here and there. Oh look, my aunt posted a blurry family photo in a Meitu frame. I go through them and each click brings me closer to someone across the seas. It felt good knowing they see me too. …I miss my white Sony VAIO E-series running cracked Photoshop with a bloated battery (I know).
There’s also the whiplash and the envy. I miss my friends. I catch up with their lives through the occasional story and photo dump post. They’re busy, I’m busy. Reaching out shouldn’t feel as heavy as this. I miss them so much, but it doesn’t really matter if they miss me or not. Sometimes I wonder if I like the idea of having someone to miss more. It’s pathetic, to think about it that way. I see my friends happy, I see an ad, I see a genocide, I see an ad. I want to throw up.
Facebook circa 2012 saw my carefree postings as a young teen – after-school thoughts, age-appropriate swears, opinions on anime – and I would get responses back, equally as carefree. Now I can’t even post without thinking about its life after me…without me. Going private isn’t an idea I want to entertain. Some call it pride.
More than anything, I’m ashamed of myself. It’s easier to make connections on the internet now than ever, but why do I feel more disconnected from everyone else? Sometimes it feels like shouting into a void. It’s the lack of intentionality that I also fall trap to… I struggle to leave comments on public posts, never interact in a Discord server, and lurk on various subreddits. Despite the veneer of anonymity, is anyone else also more anxious online than IRL? Please tell me this performance doesn’t come easy for you too.
I think I’m using social media (aka Instagram) wrong. I know I’m projecting unrealistic expectations based on a simpler time. With the platform, it seems like a bad habit turned second-nature. It shouldn’t be this deep, but my head is soft and pressure leaves spots. I will wake up 3 months later and this won’t matter anymore.