awake, i dream of sleeping

Something’s wrong. I have grown more afraid of people that are not family. On my childhood bed I lay down, pretending to be so still that wind passes through me. I almost hear a whistle. It’s too warm. My heart betrays me as it vibrates in my ribs. I feel the tremors on my skin. Have I ever known desire? Yes. No. Doesn’t matter. It does.

It is more difficult to look at others in the eye. And speak. So I create scenarios where I don’t have to. Staying home again, the haze gives me an excuse. It’s all blurry. I feel that I’ve become a monster in the mirror. When I speak it is not me. I am scared. There is no anchor to my recent memories of speech. Happiness is starting to distance from me now. I fear this is just the beginning. 

Envious, always, of those with a strong sense of self. Mine is always fluttering, and I do my best to keep it clipped tight on the line wire. Though sometimes, I forget to bring it in when it rains. Can’t tell if it’s raining now. My loved ones help me though, but it’s a double-edged sword I’m still learning to wield. Wield where? In what battle? I am better than who I was. Is that enough when you hear the thundering hooves? 

A beast cannot escape its rest. Everyone seems to be running on renewable energy and my generator seems faulty. I will fix it. Just not now. For now I am afraid. Awake, I think of sleeping; asleep, I think of slumber. There mustn’t be a name to this rhythm, it will become never-ending.

I know it’s not normal to think about yourself so obsessively, but how can you not when this is all you’ve known? All I am. This is all that there is. The confidence in myself has always been borrowed. When I grow up tomorrow I want to own my confidence. And it will cost as much as I can afford. Creation and creativity are slipping through my fingers but it still passes through my hands. So I continue making, and making, and making. Who am I making for? In the end, I have made nothing.

I wish I was easier to myself as I am to others. Can someone sing me a lullaby?